Thinking of marriage? Think again, please!
Monday, February 15, 2016
*Dr. Henry McGinnis
If you are thinking of marriage, please, think again!
Why? Half the marriages in America end in divorce. That gives you a 50-50 chance for marital success. Are those the odds you want? Are you willing to take that kind of gamble with your life and your future children’s lives?
On the other hand, research shows that married people live longer, are healthier, suffer less stress, fewer heart attacks or strokes and even less cancer. So you need time alone and together to think and prepare for a long —50 to 60 years— happy marriage. Put romance aside and carefully consider the realities of marriage.
What was your parents’ solution to marital problems? Drink? Drugs? Fighting? Prayer? A vicious divorce? Do you know that divorce runs in families, just like genes? Genes pass on not just physical characteristics and intellectual abilities but also the potential for addictions to alcohol and/or drugs. Suicides also tend to run in families. “As a twig is bent, so grows the tree.” Think about it.
Also consider this: First love or “puppy love,” brief encounters, pen pals, computer romance, love at a distance, a search for freedom or escape from abuse —none of these bode well for a long and happy marriage. Based on fantasies or immature infatuation, they often result in “dysfunctional” families and lead to severe unhappiness, abuse of the spouse or children, addictions, neglect, “third parties,” desertion or worse.
Young lovers should heed the questions posed by family and good friends regarding their relationship, and evaluate them openly and honestly.
These are the four essential areas for real marital preparation: knowledge of self, communication, human sexuality and money management.
Knowledge of self
Knowledge of self is not easy. Are you mature enough to take on marital responsibilities as well as pleasures? Do you love or value yourself? What did you want to be? How did you see school? Were you successful academically? Socially? Are you an only child? The oldest or youngest? Were you adopted? What meaning does that have in your life? Did you have biological parents or step-parents? Or both? Were they emotionally warm, loving or strict, distant or punitive? What was their marital relationship like? How did they handle problems? Did they argue about money (as most married couples do)?
Think about what you have learned directly or indirectly from them, because you may well imitate them. Think, and have your “mate to be” do the same self-evaluation. Are you going to marry to “rescue” or “reform” your spouse? Remember that the only person you can change is you —and with great effort and help.
Communication
Communication is the “life blood” of marriage, and it must be, at least, a two-way process. Not “I talk and you listen” but a discussion, with feelings and give and take, hopefully in the same language and culture.
If an argument gets out of hand, cool it. You can compromise, delay decisions, agree to disagree. If it gets negative, hostile, accusatory — even “you decide” could be a cop-out — beware. If it escalates to physical abuse that certainly does not bode well for the future.
You need the lifeblood of your marriage to survive. A visit to your church may stimulate needed discussion. Perhaps you can learn about communication from books or lectures, or go to counseling. Remember: no communication, no marriage!
Human sexuality
Regarding human sexuality: The “human” part distinguishes us from lower animals. Yes, we have a body, but also an intellect, moral code, emotions, memory and a soul — as well as a God-given drive to procreate, which is a primary purpose of marriage. Knowledge of sexual anatomy, function and risks of venereal diseases is essential too. The latter might lessen fertility.
By the way, you don’t learn this wisely or morally on the street or in college dorms. It is better learned from medical and religious sources. And remember: Pornography, “hooking up,” and living together have not decreased the divorce statistics or resulted in lasting marital bliss. More often than not, they result in guilt and conflict.
Money
Money is often described as “the root of all evil.” That’s not totally true. Parents most always tell their children what things cost. Every economist, accountant or marital counselor consistently recommends a budget. Businesses big and little, on and off Wall Street, run on a budget. The government and all its departments have budgets. So why not marriages?
You need to discuss money management before the wedding. Start with your own financial situation, which is your take-home pay. Do you know where your money is going? Multiply by two! A good question to ask before a purchase is: Is it wanted or needed? Does one of you have college loans of $50,000 or more? Do you have car and credit card debt? What’s the wedding going to cost? Who’s going to pay for the honeymoon?
To keep it simple: Don’t marry in debt, don’t marry into debt, don’t marry a debtor (or co-sign a loan) — you will end up paying all the bills.
Here’s some final advice: Read St. John Paul II’s “Letter to Families” — it’s an excellent guide. Don’t forget St. Paul’s letter on love (1 Cor 13:1-13) And of course, take one of the archdiocese’s marriage preparation programs — Pre-Cana, Camino, Transformed in Love — and the pre-marital inventory that will help you get the conversation started (Fully Engaged, The Catholic Couple Checkup and FOCCUS).
