Grief and the holidays

Monday, November 30, 2009

*Brian Payne - Catholic Hospice

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Many bereaved families dread this season of holidays.

Thanksgiving: recent death makes it hard to feel thankful about anything.

Hanukkah: the focus on light increases awareness of the darkness felt in grief.

Christmas: time when families are traditionally together; the feeling of loss and loneliness can be overwhelming.

These are happy times and others� hearts are filled with thanksgiving and joy in an atmosphere of celebration. The first year after the death of a loved one will probably present you with many questions and concerns. It is normal to have anxiety and fears about this �time of joy.�

There are no �right� or �wrong� ways to grieve. The following are hints to handle the holidays:

Plan ahead. Accept that grief is hard work, and so are the holidays. Plan ahead about your decisions, activities, goals and expectations.

Seek spiritual connections. The holidays are rooted in the spirit and provide many symbols and pathways for spiritual connectedness apart from the tinsel of the season. Own that you may need spiritual work, and seek spiritual guidance.

Be good to yourself. The holidays are traditionally about giving. We are not advising you to discontinue giving, but to own that survival is about being self-focused, about paying close attention to your journey, your needs, and your feelings. During the holidays you must work even harder to claim and affirm yourself, and to keep yourself from feeling lost in the trappings of the season.

Create a �Memory Book� with pictures and stories about shared events with the loved one who has passed. Use it as a tool for the family to reminisce and celebrate the life of that person.

For children: Have them draw a picture of previous holiday memories which included their loved one. Allow them to share the picture with the family, and hang it for all to enjoy.

Decorate an ornament in honor of the loved one.

Tape recording. Make a composite family tape recording of favorite memories about your loved one. This can be passed on or mailed to extended family members.

Check in along the way. Keep the focus on feelings. Grief is a journey of feelings. Healthy grieving comes when we mourn (i.e., let our feelings out). Our feelings boil over in all directions during the holidays. Don�t waste your very limited energy trying to contain them. Express them, but try to do so in healthy ways.

Take care of yourself. Remember the �big four�: proper diet, proper fluid intake, proper exercise, and proper rest.

Most important: Be flexible in your expectations for the holidays and yourself. No matter how you prepare, when the holidays arrive, you may discover unexpected feelings, moods, and reactions. Avoid telling yourself what you �should� feel and do, and instead allow yourself to flow with the feelings rather than struggling.

Live through the season; reach for joy. As it is said, �This, too, shall pass!� If you allow yourself to live through the season, you can allow yourself to reach for joy in new and different places.

For more information on programs and services offered by Catholic Hospice, go to www.catholichospice.org.

Brian Payne
president and chief executive officer, Catholic Hospice

Comments from readers

Felipe Barreda - 11/30/2009 04:11 PM

I appreciate the Church posting this message at this time of year. As a parent of a St. Jude patient who is treating for acute lymphoblastic leukemia, at this time of year my thoughts and prayers are with those parents we have been blessed to know through St. Jude Children's Research Hospital other families of children who have not been as fortunate as my son and have haved away due to cancer. Some of these children are very young not understanding why they are sick and often not understanding the process of death and dying. Those who are left behind are stuck with answering questions about why did this have to happen to them and to their children. Children are supposed to be innocent and we do not think that they die due to cancer but the fact of the matter is they do. I am blessed that my son is in remission but their are times I have guilt because I wonder why my child is being spared while others are dying and then there is the fear and the doubt which every parent goes through when things seem to go well; they wonder when will they not go well. My son has a year left in his treatment to go and I hope he will never relapse. Take a moment to stop your Christmas shopping and hug your kids; give them a kiss; and tell them you love them. Thanks God you have healthy children and you are able to buy Christmas gifts for them because there are some this year who will spend Christmas without their children for the first time because they died of cancer. Think of them and support St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. Felipe Barreda

Richard DeMaria - 11/30/2009 03:16 PM

Brian: Thank you for a very helpful article. I will forward it to members of my family who have lost someone in the past year. Richard DeMaria

Felipe Barreda - 11/30/2009 04:11 PM: I appreciate the Church posting this message at this time of year. As a parent of a St. Jude patient who is treating for acute lymphoblastic leukemia, at this time of year my thoughts and prayers are with those parents we have been blessed to know through St. Jude Children's Research Hospital other families of children who have not been as fortunate as my son and have haved away due to cancer. Some of these children are very young not understanding why they are sick and often not understanding the process of death and dying. Those who are left behind are stuck with answering questions about why did this have to happen to them and to their children. Children are supposed to be innocent and we do not think that they die due to cancer but the fact of the matter is they do. I am blessed that my son is in remission but their are times I have guilt because I wonder why my child is being spared while others are dying and then there is the fear and the doubt which every parent goes through when things seem to go well; they wonder when will they not go well. My son has a year left in his treatment to go and I hope he will never relapse. Take a moment to stop your Christmas shopping and hug your kids; give them a kiss; and tell them you love them. Thanks God you have healthy children and you are able to buy Christmas gifts for them because there are some this year who will spend Christmas without their children for the first time because they died of cancer. Think of them and support St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. Felipe Barreda

Richard DeMaria - 11/30/2009 03:16 PM: Brian: Thank you for a very helpful article. I will forward it to members of my family who have lost someone in the past year. Richard DeMaria