By Florida Catholic staff - Florida Catholic
The following is the unsolicited testimony of someone who underwent Project Rachel counseling with the Archdiocese of Miami’s respect life office.I was a young girl, and not very wise, when I had an abortion.
I was 21 years old, raised in the post-feminist days bequeathed to us by my parents’ generation. I was raised Catholic, and I heard about Catholic moral values at school and at home, but I was surrounded by a much more alluring modern culture. I was taught that no one went to their wedding day a virgin. That would be prudish. That my body was mine to do with as I wanted, and why should I deny myself the pleasure young men were never asked to do without?
Birth control was everywhere at college, pushed on us from every side. We were told to keep it safe, but have fun. When we turned on the TV, all the characters on the sit-coms we watched were having sex free of hang-ups. Was I to be any different? Anyway, any mistake could be fixed in an hour or two at the doctor’s office. It would just be a bunch of cells that was being removed.
I got pregnant using the birth control that was so widely available, and using it properly. My boyfriend, who loved me and would have married me if I had asked, immediately did the right “feminist” thing. He said, “It’s your body, your decision. I’ll pay for whatever you need.”
In a panic — for I was a nice girl who was starting graduate school in a month and didn’t think that this boyfriend, good as he was, was the man I should spend my life with — I chose abortion. I couldn’t face the horrors of single motherhood, the loss of my education, my parents’ disgust and heartbreak, and mostly the humiliation. My gynecologist offered the procedure with alacrity, right there in his office. No pain, no mess and no one would know.
It would all be over, as they had promised, in an hour or two.
So life went on. A few weeks afterward, a niggling doubt emerged. Had I done the right thing? I went to confession at a random parish and was given a generous absolution. I also broke up with that boyfriend, who somehow had been tarnished in my eyes. I soon after met my husband, married him in the Church, and along came our first child.
FIRST CHILD: SCHOCK
It was the birth of our first child that sent me into shock. Here was the result of a pregnancy, just like the other. And he was perfect in my eyes. He was clearly a miracle, a gift from God.
I looked around at all the other people I passed day by day. I felt, for the first time, that each and every one was a miracle in his or her own right. I felt, in the phrase by C.S. Lewis, their “weight of glory.” I could see quite perfectly in my little baby’s every yawn and smile that here was something to give my life for, a person who was worth any amount of trouble, pain, or humiliation.
The guilt set in then, very badly. So badly, sometimes, that it felt crippling. As though I had bathed myself in ink and no matter how hard I scrubbed, I would always be stained.
When I was caught behind a car with a “respect life” bumper sticker, the ones with a little embryo and a beating heart, I would recoil in horror. The knowledge of what I’d done was something I kept tripping over, when I least expected it. And it was painful every time.
I felt like a terrible hypocrite. Here I was, a regular church-goer, with this albatross around my neck that only I could see. I had several more children, and everyone I knew considered me an exemplary mother. Little did they know! I was that monster who had killed her own child.
Several times in confession I told the various priests that I could not possibly be forgiven by God for the terrible thing that I had done. They assured me of my absolution, and of God’s forgiveness and mercy. Those were mere words that didn’t penetrate my fog of guilt. I knew that God could forgive any sin, but was any sin as big as mine? I doubted it. There had to be limits to God’s mercy, I told myself.
One side effect to all this was my inability to give myself over completely to Church doctrine. I was a cafeteria Catholic, since accepting the whole truth would be to definitively face the ghastly fact that I had murdered.
I was pro-choice, of course. Who was I to tell other people to deny themselves the relief that I myself had taken? Dared I ask other people to be more courageous and self-denying than I? Nope.
‘TRUTH WAS KILLING ME’
But of course I knew the truth. I had my five children to tell me of it, every day, in a million ways. And the truth was killing me.
I read about Project Rachel on the Internet. I never was told about it by any priest. I never saw it advertised on any church bulletin. I never heard it talked about around church.
I decided to try it. It took all my courage to call. I called and started the process. It took several weeks.
The kind facilitator led me through what was one of the hardest things I ever did in my life. I dreaded each session. I was asked to review it all. How I got pregnant and what were my circumstances. How I decided on abortion. Who participated in the act, and who counseled me for and against. Who performed, when, and how? How did it feel and how did I feel afterwards?
Then we turned to the soul of the child. How do we know all people have souls? How does God tell us that he treats each person’s soul? How is my little child’s soul being cared for right now in heaven? Does the child know me, does the child forgive me? Can I ask for my child’s forgiveness? What is forgiveness? Am I worthy of it? Why would God forgive me?
‘YES, HE LOVES ME’
Because he loves me. Finally, finally, it all sunk in.
Yes. He loves me. And he, who gave his only son that we might have life, and have it more abundantly, can forgive even me. Because that is how much he loves me.
The world is a new place for me. I can walk now, thanks to Project Rachel, with the confidence of one who knows she is forgiven. My soul has been washed clean. Thank God for the Catholic Church, that knows how to throw us poor sufferers a lifeline!
I keep these words from Pope John Paul II (Evangelium Vitae) in my desk, and I read them often:
“Do not give in to discouragement and do not lose hope. Try rather to understand what happened and face it honestly. If you have not already done so, give yourself over with humility and trust to repentance. …To the same Father and his mercy you can with sure hope entrust your child. With the friendly and expert advice of other people, and as a result of your own painful experience, you can be among the most eloquent defenders of everyone’s right to life. Through your commitment to life, whether by accepting the birth of other children or by welcoming and caring for those most in need of someone to be close to them, you will become promoters of a new way of looking at human life.”
That is who I am now, after Project Rachel — a staunch and confident defender of human life; a mother of many children, even one by adoption; and a woman who, with sure hope, has entrusted my first child to our Father.
Grace
WHERE TO GO FOR HELP
Project Rachel is a one-on-one session between the counselor and the women (or men) seeking assistance with post-abortion healing. Project Rachel counselors are available in each of the archdiocese’s five emergency pregnancy centers.
“We find out what area the girl lives in and then refer her to a counselor in her area,” said Maureen Freeman, administrative assistant for the respect life ministry. “It is all confidential, one-on-one. It is not a group thing.”
After the individual counseling, which takes about eight or nine weeks, the women can attend a Rachel’s Vineyard weekend retreat in English or Spanish.
To reach a Project Rachel counselor, call 954-981-2984 or e-mail [email protected]. The toll-free number for Project Rachel is 877-908-1212.
