Teaching boys to be good, not just 'cool'

By Jim Davis - Florida Catholic

FORT LAUDERDALE | Tying a necktie might not seem a great weapon against school bullying. But small things can add up.

"It shows you're a gentleman, that you can present yourself," said The'Andris Freeman, a founding member of the men's wing of the Aquinas Kindness club at St. Thomas Aquinas High School.

The club is a classic case of an ounce of prevention. Rather than wait for a school shooting, then agonize over what went wrong, Aquinas students and teachers focus on how to make it right.

"Just little things can make the world a better place," Freeman said.

The 15 boys are in the same club as the 75 girls of Aquinas Kindness, but they hold their own activities. They visit area parochial schools with videos, Q&As, and a few simple icebreaking games.

And they make a point of casual compliments and encouragements each day. Even though the men's branch of Aquinas Kindness started just last year, the concept sounded like second nature to them by now.

"You never know what people are going through," said Freeman, 18. "One remark, one smile, can make their whole day."

The 2004 movie "Mean Girls," with its theme of high school bullying, helped inspire the original Aquinas club for girls. But the boys' edition of the club had a grimmer genesis: the 2018 mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland.

"We wanted to provide a space to reduce social isolation," said Kathie Hagood, a theology teacher and moderator of Aquinas Kindness. "I wanted something tangible, something that could be lived out every day."

Hagood began working with sophomores like Freeman, who became leaders in the emerging boys' group.

Like the Aquinas Kindness girls, the young men visit neighboring parochial schools with their message. The briskly-paced programs, 90 minutes or less, have several segments.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

One segment has all the listeners put their names in a bag. Then each boy takes a name out, and has to say one nice thing about the person.

The sessions also feature "What Would You Do" scenarios. One question: What if your friends light up some marijuana, then offer you a puff?

"They usually say your friends should respect your decision," said Marcus Rosemy, 17, another founding member of the club.

A harder situation: You see your girlfriend at a mall, walking with another man. Now what?

That's a tough one for boys, because their high school conflicts are usually over a girl, the Aquinas Kindness members said. "I'd walk up and punch him," one said frankly.

The club members replied: Step back and think it through. What's appropriate? Shouldn't you get her side of the story? Maybe the guy is a brother or cousin.

Also included is a short video about Usain Bolt, the champion runner who won nine gold medals in three consecutive Olympics. Bolt talks about his poverty-stricken upbringing in Jamaica, and how he overcame it and went on to greatness.

The school meetings even inject a little friendly competition. The tie-tying workshop ends with a contest, challenging students to make the best knot. Aquinas Kindness members also make it tough on themselves by answering questions themselves. That's one thing they can't prepare for.

 

GRADES COME FIRST

One student asked how to be strong in athletics, knowing that some of the Aquinas Kindness members excel in sports. "You can't focus on just one thing," Freeman answered. "Grades before extracurricular activities."

Another tough one: "What age can you have a girlfriend?" For Rosemy, it's "When you're mature enough." But Freeman added a qualification: "When you're in sports, a girlfriend is a distraction."

Much easier was "How can you spread kindness around school?" Aquinas Kindness member Xavier Miot, 17, had the answer. "Look for the good in every situation."

Although the young men's group was born of tragedy, the members believed they have it easier in high school than girls. They said males work out the more physical parts of bullying in earlier years.

Young men, they said, are more likely to settle a matter and put it behind them. Girls tend to gossip, shun other girls, spread stories online and carry grudges for years.

Rosemy quickly added an exception: athletic competition. That can bring out trash talking as well, especially for a key spot on a team.

But some of the boys admitted they, too, had sometimes bullied or been bullied.

The'Andris Freeman said he was once a target of bullying for his unusual first name, a blending of two relatives' names. "They just did it to sound cool," he said.

Joey Hagood, 16, Katie's son, confessed he began picking on a boy in middle school. Just small digs, like making fun of his name. But it did get to the boy, who finally said, "Stop!"

He stopped. "I realized I'd been bullying, and I didn’t want to do that," he said.

Miot said he was ridiculed in fifth grade. They mocked his shoes, his shorts, his haircut. Only one thing stopped him from literally striking back. "It would have reflected bad on my parents."

 

HARD TO BE KIND

Despite the differences, Kathie Hagood said both genders face a common theme in bullying: humiliation. "But boys are not socialized to talk about it. So I'm proud that these boys are handling the issues."

She continued: "They talk about civility, respect, dignity, being an adult. And they have a profound impact on younger kids in middle school."

Nor is she the only adult who notices. Joey Hagood recalled a teacher at St. Anthony School in Fort Lauderdale saying, "You have no idea how much you’ve impacted these boys. You show how a real man can be."

Their gender, however, does have a common problem, the club members acknowledged: It's easier for them to take a compliment than to give one.

"Sometimes, men think it makes them look soft," Rosemy said. "You just have to think of the bigger picture."

That's where Alfonso Balmaceda, another theology teacher and club moderator, comes in. He teaches the members that the Bible lists kindness as the "fruit of the Spirit" — evidence of God's presence — along with qualities like peace, patience and self-control.

"You don’t just receive kindness; you also show it," Balmaceda said. "It's born from relationships."

The feedback helps a lot. Freeman mentioned a boy who hung back from the activities during a visit. Freeman took him aside. "You can't go through life just being seen as cool," he told the boy. "You can be a good person."

The boy thought about that, then joined the group activities. Later, he gave Freeman a hug.

"I was smiling the rest of the day," Freeman said, breaking into another smile.

Correction, Jan. 31, 2020: The school where the men's Kindness Club interacted with middle school boys was incorrectly identified in the original photo captions. It was St. Rose of Lima, Miami Shores, not St. Anthony in Fort Lauderdale.