How fingers can point to a good marriage

By Jim Davis - Florida Catholic

MIAMI GARDENS | Curl each of your middle fingers, then press them together at the second joint. Then let your other fingertips and thumbs touch.

That's a picture of your marriage, Mildred Ratcliffe said at a recent Transformed in Love conference. The thumbs stand for your friends and siblings; the index fingers are for your parents; the ring fingers are your marriage; and the pinkies are your children.

"Now, try to separate your fingers, one at a time," Ratcliffe told the 51 couples at St. Thomas University. They found they could separate all of the fingers — except for their ring fingers. Not as long as the two "self" fingers stayed together.

Then she spelled out the moral: "You can be apart and separate from everyone, but as long as you are bowed together, you cannot be separated from your spouse."

Several of the listeners smiled as they got the point.

"I loved the symbolism and reality of it," said Gian Carla Lizardo of St. Maximilian Kolbe Parish, Pembroke Pines. "This [conference] is life-giving."

Her fiancé, Justin Santayana, agreed.

"It was beautiful," said Santayana, a member of St. Andrew Church in Coral Springs. "This whole program is a gift from God. It lays out footsteps to become a better husband, a better wife, a better Catholic."

The program, April 23-24, was the second South Florida conference for Transformed in Love. Founded under Cardinal Sean O'Malley of Boston, the program explains the sacrament, rituals and theology of marriage. It also scans matters such as love and sexuality, self-understanding, communicating in positive ways, spiritual practices for families, even household finances.

 'A system of marriage preparation'

In South Florida, Transformed in Love is meant to expand on Fully Engaged, another marriage preparation program, developed in St. Cloud, Minn. Stephen Colella, director of the archdiocesan Secretariat for Parish Life, said the goal was to build "a system of marriage preparation," not just a program.

"Marriage is a beautiful, wonderful institution," Colella said. "How can you know what it is? And how do you get the skills to thrive in it?"

Leading the April conference were two couples who had gone through the program in Boston. They offered some good news and bad news, statistically.

The good news was a study by Georgetown University that found 82 percent of millennials — adults born after 1981 — consider marriage a "lifelong commitment." And 84 percent said that "couples don’t take marriage seriously enough when divorce is easily available."

On the downside, 69 percent of millennials — the highest percentage of any generation thus far — agreed that "marriage is whatever two people want it to be." In contrast, Transformed in Love seeks to portray marriage as both a "natural" and sacramental act.

Greek terms for love

Joe and Cici Cooley of Boston took turns explaining the four Greek terms for love: "storge," or affection; "phileo," or friendship; "eros," or sexual desire; and "agape," or sacrificial love.

"In a marriage, that's the most important kind," Cici said of agape.

Joe added that agape is the kind of love that God gives. "God has placed your fiancé in your life to be a conduit for his love," he said.

Couples sat at round tables to hear talks by the presenters. Then each table took up the topic, guided by local couples for Transformed in Love. Often, the conversation was taken up by the whole room.

"We've always been interested to work with marriage and couples, and you're not born knowing how," said Nirma Pina, who helped lead the table discussions along with her husband, Alicio.

The couple, who worship at Our Lady of the Lakes in Miami Lakes, are members of the Archbishop's Marriage Preparation Task Force and had helped in men's and women's Emmaus Bible studies. They’ve also worked at marriage retreats and half-day workshops.

"This is helping us, too," Nirma said. "If we share our mistakes and struggles, it encourages and motivates us."

'To share everything'

Also at the conference were archdiocesan couples being trained to lead future programs themselves. Mildred and Felix Ratcliffe cited surveys in which married couples report being happier and live longer than single people.

"Marriage is a time to share everything, even difficult things like finances," Felix said. "(Married people) share their skills and talents."

"They help each other become better people," added Mildred, archdiocesan coordinator of Marriage and Family Life Ministry. "And it's not just for the good of the spouses, but for others, for children. The marriage moves beyond itself."

The event won a thumbs-up from Marvin Joseph. He confessed that he'd been skeptical when he heard of the program at his parish, St. Mark in Southwest Ranches.

"I thought it would be regular marriage stuff, like 'Love your wife,'" said Joseph, who had come with his fiancée, Henjorie Dupont. “But they also talked about talking and listening skills. And I liked the examples and the exercises."

Beginning with a simple lecture, the Transformed in Love system has been developed over the years by priests, deacons, theologians, psychologists, canon lawyers and others — a total of more than 40 experts. It now offers a range of materials, including a workbook and a team manual, published by Pauline Books & Media.

Pete and Terese Braudis of Groton, Mass., took part in the pilot program for Transformed in Love several years ago. Pete described their work as a "gift and a call," even a means of evangelization.

"God's grace — his undeserved help — teaches you how to love," he said. "The love spills beyond the marriage to the family, then the community. Marriage is part of God's plan to save the world."

FIND OUT MORE

• The next Transformed in Love will take place Oct. 8 and 9, from 8:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. each day, at St. Thomas University, 16401 N.W. 37 Ave., Miami Gardens, 33054.

• Under the banner of “Pre Cana,” the archdiocese offers several other marriage preparation programs: Camino del Matrimonio (in Spanish), Fully Engaged, and Matrimonio 2000 (for couples married civilly who want to receive the sacrament in the Church).

• For upcoming program dates, look for Marriage Preparation in the Events Calendar on the archdiocesan website. Or call 305-762-1140.