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Feature News | Monday, February 20, 2017

A marriage, not just a wedding

Premarital program helps archdiocesan couples become 'Fully Engaged'

Chris Codden leads the Fully Engaged seminar for archdiocesan mentoring couples.

Photographer: JIM DAVIS | FC

Chris Codden leads the Fully Engaged seminar for archdiocesan mentoring couples.

MIAMI SHORES | Nelly and Luis Silva enjoyed ministering to couples at their parish, St. Andrew in Coral Springs. But one issue troubled them.

"We found that a lot of couples didn’t know why they got married," said Nelly Silva. "And not just them — also some people who have been married for 30 years. We realized we had to help them before that point."

That's how a recent Saturday found her and husband Luis, along with 19 other couples from 12 parishes, at the archdiocesan Pastoral Center, learning how to mentor other couples considering that giant step in their lives.

The mentor couples were receiving training on Fully Engaged, a pre-marital questionnaire that touches on the ins and outs of marriage — and, just as importantly, what marriage means in a Catholic context. The Jan. 28 seminar was part of a plan to seed the program throughout the archdiocese — eventually with one or more mentor couples in each parish.

Fully Engaged taps married couples to administer the questionnaire and mentor engaged couples up to a year before a wedding. Each newlywed-to-be answers a questionnaire of 185 questions, either on paper or online. Then they meet regularly with the mentor couple to discuss the results.

Questionnaire topics range from the lofty — the Catholic view of marriage, for instance — to mundane matters like money management, and even threats like online porn. They ask also if the partners have discussed their marital roles, how they’ll resolve any conflicts, if they plan to raise their children Catholic, how they’ll balance work with personal time — and finally, if they realize marriage is a "life-long covenant."

All of which got a hearty thumbs-up from Nelly Silva. "When you're in love, you don’t look at details like finances. But when you marry, your real life starts."

Chris Codden of St. Cloud, Minn., guided the mentor couples through overall themes and details alike. 

"While a couple is preparing for a wedding, we're preparing them for a marriage," Codden said. "A lifelong marriage."

Roberto and Michelle Menendez listen during the Fully Engaged seminar for archdiocesan mentoring couples.

Photographer: JIM DAVIS | FC

Roberto and Michelle Menendez listen during the Fully Engaged seminar for archdiocesan mentoring couples.


Marriage and Facebook

"We want to get people to talk about things they might not have talked about," said Mildred Ratcliffe, coordinator of the archdiocesan Office of Marriage and Family Life, which hosted Codden's visit.  "Things that we've found cause divorces."

Illustrating her talk with slides and videos, Codden took the couples through the resource books they'd been given. Among the more sweeping topics was "Intimacy," under which she included porn, contraception, and even social media. 

She said most people are unaware where their mates may go online, what they might be watching and whom they may be texting.

Codden told how her son set up a Facebook account for her and asked detailed, personal questions in filling out her profile. Even more surprising was her first Facebook "friend": an old classmate from school.

"Can you imagine if I were going through a hard spot in my marriage?" she asked.

Contraception was the topic of one of the videos. The video showed a man complaining that using contraceptives blocks access to Communion.

"Most people know the 'no' but not the 'why'," Codden said. "It helps to explain why contraception is sinful: because when you're married you have to be open to the possibility of children."

Naturally, the seminar also covered the topic of money — one of the biggest sources of marital friction, Codden noted. She ran a video of a couple discussing their debt — with the man saying he was the "finance guy" as the woman complained that he wanted to keep some money aside for "toys."

Noted one mentor trainee: "They gave the impression that they're a team, but they weren't really."

Codden agreed, adding that money issues often involve "control" and self-esteem.

"Part of my self-esteem is in what I make," she said. "(But) can I truly give my whole self to someone except for my money?" Her listeners shook their heads.

Peter and Irene Vitale listen during the Fully Engaged seminar for archdiocesan mentoring couples.

Photographer: JIM DAVIS | FC

Peter and Irene Vitale listen during the Fully Engaged seminar for archdiocesan mentoring couples.


What are they getting into?

But why would 20 couples give up a Saturday to learn how to give up still more time in volunteer work?

"It's a way to give back to the community," said Peter Vitale of St. Hugh Church, Coconut Grove, who was there with wife Irene. "And it's something we can do together, and on weekends."

Fellow St. Hugh member Roberto Menendez, sitting with his wife Michelle, agreed. "It's always important to have a mentor in your life. We want to share our experience with others and learn from them."

Fully Engaged was originally designed in 2009 for the Diocese of St. Cloud, Minn., where Codden lives. Part of the reason, Codden said, was the realization that people were marrying later in life — and outside the faith.

"Couples used to marry around 18 or 19, and now they do in their late 20s and 30s," she said. "They haven't necessarily gone through catechism. And they no longer have an expectation that they have to marry, and have to stay married. We want them to understand what they're getting into."

Popularity of Fully Engaged spread by word of mouth — without advertising, Codden said — and two years later, it was revised and released to other dioceses.

Since 2012, about 21,000 couples in 59 dioceses have been trained as mentors, Codden said. And she still gives 15-20 presentations each year.

South Florida churches have used Fully Engaged for about four years, after using FOCCUS for more than two decades. FOCCUS ("Facilitate Open, Caring Communication, Understanding and Study"), an apostolate of the Archdiocese of Omaha, set a more psychological tone — for instance, asking the same question in a variety of ways. Fully Engaged uses more common language and less repetition.

Nelly and Luis Silva pause during a break at the Fully Engaged seminar for archdiocesan mentoring couples.

Photographer: JIM DAVIS | FC

Nelly and Luis Silva pause during a break at the Fully Engaged seminar for archdiocesan mentoring couples.


Spelling out responsibilities

The new program also takes a more positive tone, according to Codden and Ratcliffe. For instance, rather than ask if unfaithfulness would prompt someone to divorce his/her partner, it asks if "I would want to work on healing in our marriage."

A literally crucial difference is the more "catechetical" direction in Fully Engaged, teaching not only marriage dynamics but also Catholic faith and practice — including matters like the sacraments, sexual morality, birth control and involvement in church life.

One question asks how often someone attends confession — a question, Codden said, that affects not only the individual but his or her relationships.

"If I go to confession, will I be better to my wife and mother? Yes," she said, drawing nods from her listeners.

That's why the mentors' kit includes an outline of Catholic teachings on marriage, Church document sources, even a "Forgiveness Prayer" for resolving arguments.

"Couples need an understanding of their duties and responsibilities — to each other and to the Church — if they're going to be part of our sacrament," Codden said.

Much of Fully Engaged's message fell on willing ears. But Luis Silva, Nelly's husband, would go even further:

"This is a good introduction, but you need to build on it," he said. "We all need help, and not just for one month. We need to follow up and nurture."

Codden, in fact, recommended follow-up after marriage. She said the newlyweds should get a year of monthly e-mail messages from Fully Engaged. The 12 e-mails offer help with such matters as stress, date nights, in-laws and parish involvement.

"My husband and I invite the couple to a parish function, and at the next function, we ask them to help," Codden said. "And we invite them to dinner."

The Archdiocese of Miami itself is following up: After the mentoring seminar, Ratcliffe scheduled four couples to train as trainers. Those four will then keep the Fully Engaged process going in the archdiocese.

Related stories:

Chris Codden leads the Fully Engaged seminar for archdiocesan mentoring couples.

Photographer: JIM DAVIS | FC

Chris Codden leads the Fully Engaged seminar for archdiocesan mentoring couples.


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